Gabriel Hutchings

Shaving the Niyog

Living in the world as a trans, queer, Filipino-American man, I find myself picking andchoosing how to express myself in different situations and spaces. I hold back complex aspectsof my being because it does not “fit” into other parts of society’s expectations of my identity.Sometimes I do not feel “Filipino enough”, “American enough”, alienated from some queerspaces, or not “man enough” because of my transness. Not only does this make me feelrejected from other parts of myself and communities, it also makes me feel like I could be indanger in spaces that I should consider safe and filled with family.Each element in this performance plays with all aspects of my being. My Filipino heritageis represented with the use of a coconut grater I fabricated out of brass attached to a rockinghorse, inspired by the traditional coconut graters used in the Philippines. This version is not onlya tool, but is a toy to play with adorned in traditionally inspired patterns. In contrast there is animage of me at three years old on a rocking horse filled with joy to just play, unaware yet of howothers perceive me. I was put in a dress that I would come to be uncomfortable with once Iunderstood that was not my gender expression. Modern day, I manifest my gender expressionthrough the symbol of a cowboy, seen as the epitome of masculinity and what it means to be aman in American society. The styling of the cowboy outfit is a nod to historical queer cultureincluding leather and the hankey code. In this present day performance I am now able to bemyself and recapture the spirit of play.InShaving the Niyog,each element reflects aspectsof my identity and celebrates myhybridity. I celebrate my mixed heritage of being Filipino-American and take pride in mytransness and queerness. I see what it is like to not push away one aspect of my identity in thename of preserving the other. I no longer see myself in fractions but as a whole person and

invite the viewer in as a participant of the shaving of the coconut, to join in conversation, and tocelebrate in the joy of being a whole person.